This morning I finally called and made an appointment with our primary care physician. I've had a dull ache in the back of my head (left side) for weeks now. It comes and goes, but lately it has been staying longer and longer each time. It feels like something is in there causing pressure. I can't trace the pain/ache to anything that I'm doing externally, but who knows?
Ever since I was a small child the thing that I feared most was brain cancer and or surgery that involved cutting into the skull. Last night I woke up to the pain at around 3:00 am and stayed up for more than an hour fighting off the thoughts of how difficult it would be to say goodbye for now to my children and bride. Those can be lonely moments between the sheets in the quiet darkness.
This morning I read Psalm 111-112. These lines from 112:6-7 are precious to me today:
"For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever.
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord."
It is interesting to me that the psalmist doesn't address sorrow, just fear. It is true that I don't have much fear today as I rest in God's goodness and look with fresh eyes at the promises given because of Jesus' resurrection. It is also true that I have some sorrow at the prospect of a life not lived beyond the adulthood of my children.
This post isn't meant to alarm, it is just a window into the quiet reflections of a heart that is still learning to trust the Lord in all things.